Finding G. 

You may know I’m having a difficult time right now, it doesn’t seem to be something that’s going to get easier any time soon, and unfortunately life is about to throw more challenges my way. 

Last year my eldest daughter started university and if you follow me on twitter you’ll know I didn’t handle it particularly well. I was, of course, proud of her and happy that she was making her own way in the world but even so I was heartbroken. 

She was the first to fly the nest, her older brother went to uni but it was local so he didn’t leave, and he’s still at home now. 

It took me quite some time to adjust. 

This year I have to do it all over again, 

My second daughter will be following in her big sisters footsteps, even going to the same uni. 

I’m trying to prepare myself in the hope that it will be easier this time around. 

I’m busying myself, trying to find new interests. 

I’m walking more, I’ve always enjoyed walking, as well as the exercise,  it gives me time to just plug my earphones in and clear my head. I’m trying to soak up as much sunshine as I can, especially as I don’t cope particularly well with the long dark winter months. 

I’ve started swimming, which I’ve discovered is something I really enjoy. It helps my arthritis, as well as my overall health and it’s really helping me mentally. A good swim really clears my mind. In the pool I’m able to really switch off. 

Sometimes my boys come along, sometimes I go alone, but either way it really does me good. I’m actually going to buy swimming membership so I can go as often as I like. 

I’ve discovered that I really enjoy writing poems. I don’t know if they’re any good but that’s not important. It’s a really good way for me to express myself and I like it. 

I’m finally going to my book finished. I lost all confidence in myself as a writer, but actually, I feel, now, that it’s something I can do. 

I’m embracing veganism, after 8 months of being vegan I’m becoming more and more interested in vegan issues. I’m reading and watching documentaries about things, trying to educate myself more, I’ve even sent off for some information packs about things that interest me. Last week I went to the Just V show, a vegan, and vegetarian exhibition, I’ve never gone to anything like that before. 

I feel like it’s a very worthwhile interest. 

I’m reading as much as I can, because it’s something I really enjoy, it’s a form of escapism I suppose. I also really enjoy writing book reviews. 

I’m meeting my mum once a week to go to one of our four local libraries and have a natter over a pot of tea. 

I’m throwing myself into my blog. I’ve blogged for a few years now, but I scrapped them and started again a while ago. I really like this blog. It’s me if that makes sense. I’ve stopped caring about stats and what I should be doing with it, and just doing it my way. I like writing and I enjoy blogging but I want to be good at it. 

That’s probably quite a shallow goal. But I like having this space on the internet that’s mine to curate as I want it. 

I’ll never be a big blogger because I have no inclination to be an arse kisser, to be like everyone else, commenting groups and the like aren’t for me. I’ll pootle along as I am. 

I’m also throwing myself more into Instagram. Now, it’s fair to say I’m no kind of photographer, I can’t be arsed with flat lays, and I’d rather eat my dinner than spend twenty minutes trying to get that shot. But instagram is my happy place. It’s a supportive community and I really enjoy seeing other people’s photos. I like the more real life instagrammers. 

I’m cutting back on twitter time.  Twitter has always been my favourite social media platform, and probably always will be, I’ve met some wonderful people on there. 

But I’m something an oversharer. I lay my heart on the line and my timeline can quickly become an endless stream of woe. That’s not good for me, mentally, and I’m sure it’s not nice to see. I don’t actually like pity it doesn’t help me to stay afloat, it lures me in and holds me down. 

They say misery loves company, well, it also loves twitter. I don’t want to be the poster girl for a tragic life and so I’ve stepped back. 

I dip in every now and then to see how my favourite people are, and to keep up with the news, but the news on an endless loop, along with all the commentary isn’t good for anyone. 

Twitter can be quite stressful at times, I’ve recognised that, and in order to be kinder to myself I’m taking an extended break. I’ll always be there but for now I’ll be a more guarded me. 

This is, and will be, a time of huge adjustments for me, and I’ve realised that I’ve really only ever been mum. I will always, first and foremost be mum, but I also need to be me. 

I need to find G. Find out who I am, what I like to do, and what I’m good at. 

My mum hat will always be my favourite one to wear, but it’s time to find what other hats suit me. 

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